...the more layers you peel, the more it stinks.


Posted: June 25th, 2012 | Author: | Filed under: Overprivileged, Whiny Runners | 2 Comments »

OLYMPIA, WA – The moment her husband told her he would not be accompanying her to the Olympia Rhythm ‘n’ Blues 5 Miler, Emma Muldoon had to make a life-altering decision: she could play it safe and drop out of the race, or she could risk injury, humiliation, anonymity, perhaps even death, by driving to the race all by herself, and running alone, without the support of a single familiar spectator.

In a move the racing community is calling both courageous and foolhardy, this brave young female chose to run, and, against all odds, finished the entire five miles without a single family member or friend in attendance.

“It felt really strange to be there all by myself,” Muldoon said. “But I listened to Pandora on my smartphone and I thought about how far I’ve come and somehow I managed to dig deep and power through it all on my own.”

Runner Muldoon called the experience of racing alone among tens of thousands of strangers “surreal and strange.”

Race director Gil Summers said such an endeavor is rare.

“She showed up to the race alone and I think a lot of people were concerned. Where did she park? Who was holding her keys? Who would photograph her at strategic points throughout the race? It’s just something you don’t see that often,” Summers said.

Muldoon was even offered a special award for her bravery. Race organizers pooled their cash and came up with a $75 gift card to Applebee’s, which Muldoon refused.

“She said she couldn’t eat Applebee’s food, but I think she was really just very modest and embarrassed by all the attention. We usually only give out age group awards and participant medals, but in this case we felt it was necessary to recognize the trials this young lady endured to make it to the race today.”

In addition to driving herself to the race in a 2012 Infiniti QX SUV, Muldoon also had to brave a public parking garage as she fought her way to the starting corral.

A parking attendant, Josh McAllister, who was coming off the night shift, greeted Muldoon as she emerged from the garage.

“She kept her head down and refused to make eye contact with me,” McAllister said. “When I said hello, she pointed a canister of pepper spray at me and told me to back off.”

Although Muldoon’s personal family and friends were not at the race, members of her online community came together to support her.

Mere seconds before the starting gun, Muldone posted an Instagram photo of herself to Twitter with the caption, “I’ll be wearing a purple hat!”

Many of Emma’s Twitter followers, including stay-at-home-mom Jenny Simmons responded to the tweet with encouraging words.

“She’s so brave,” Simmons said. “I just don’t think I could do something like run by myself. I would be so scared!”

Simmons continued, “I really want to know where she got that hat!”

Not all of her peers were supportive of Muldoon’s actions, however.

“I just think it’s really dangerous,” said a 25-year-old fellow runner who asked that she not be named. “She’s indirectly encouraging other people to do this kind of thing. Somebody could get hurt.”

Race spectator Sarah Johnson, who was carrying a handmade sign that read YOUR ALMOST DONE, YOU’VE GOT THIS piped up, “She’s too thin. I read her tweets and she posted that all she ate before the race was a slice of sprouted wheat toast with almond butter. As someone who is recovering from an eating disorder, reading that was really triggering for me.”

Kathrine Switzer, the first woman to officially enter and run the Boston Marathon, extended her own congratulations to Muldoon.

“It’s a thrill to know that women are still overcoming obstacles and pushing boundaries. When that race official at my first Boston Marathon approached me and tried to rip off my bib number, I felt very scared and alone, and I imagine Emma felt very similar when she had no one to carry her bagel and banana after the race.”

Switzer went on, “I understand Muldoon also went through a harrowing cross-country move this year, only to learn that her Ikea couch didn’t fit in the living room.” She sighed. “But some people are so resilient.”


Posted: February 13th, 2012 | Author: | Filed under: Famewhoring, Whiny Runners | 19 Comments »

QUEENS, NY – Over 80 flights were delayed and thousands of passengers were temporarily stranded due to a shutdown of terminals 3 and 4 of JFK International Airport yesterday, as authorities attempted to identify a suspicious substance on a traveling blogger, Organic Onion News has learned.

Melanie Ralnon, author of DontWashOffYourSweatEveryDay.com, was en route to Branson, MO as part of her agreement with Jo-Ann Fabric to dress up in sparkles and cheer at junior varsity track meets around the country.

The incident began as a routine security check. When put through standard TSA security screenings, one of Ralnon’s Saucony running shoes triggered a hazardous materials alarm.

Ralnon attempted to brush the experience off as “being rushed at the airport” when she later blogged about it, but sources close to the incident painted a more vivid picture.

“She just smelled so…awful,” one TSA agent said. “We were all gagging.”

TSA authorities notified Ralnon of the issue and instructed her to stand by for a female agent, who would perform the agency’s standard pat-down.

“At first, everything seemed okay,” said the agent who performed the pat-down, which, under recent controversial TSA protocol, requires a detailed physical examination of the subject’s upper-thigh and hip area. “And then I felt it. She had a runboner.”

Ralnon reportedly grabbed her bags, saying that she “had no time for a shower sesh” and ran toward her gate.

TSA agents immediately put all adjoining terminals in lock-down mode, with several officers pursuing the fugitive blogger as she sprinted through the terminal.

Agents directed her to stop but were met with resistance. “But we’re only going 7:10 pace!” she allegedly yelled. “This is really really easy for me!”

Ralnon was eventually apprehended, and a thorough investigation of her person, personal belongings and luggage revealed only an unprecedented level of urea – an organic compound secreted by the human body both by urine and sweat – on the suspect’s skin and clothing.

“I’ve never seen anything like it,’ said the TSA agent who initially identified the security breach. “It was off the charts.”

Ralnon was allowed to proceed to her scheduled destination, but given the extreme levels of organic matter present, her luggage was confiscated for further testing by experts.

When contacted for comment, Ralnon offered the following written statement:

“My sparkly legwarmers? My glitter tiaras? My rick-rack? They can take all of that…but they cannot take MY SPIRIT! And my vodka!”


Posted: February 8th, 2012 | Author: | Filed under: Disgusting Food, General Inanity, Woeful Writing | 15 Comments »
CHICKASAW, AL – A source at the Monkeyhowl Barn has confirmed that area blogger Allysonn Jones will be making a triumphant return to her birthplace in the year to come.

“Ain’t it just so sweet that she’s coming back here to get married,” said Sue Ellen McCarthy, the events manager for the now-famous venue. “We’ve gotten so many calls since she blogged about us being the cheapest option in the state. We’re just tickled.”

Jones, author of the popular healthy living blog SandwichesAndSweat.com, wrote that she chose the Monkeyhowl for not only its sentimental value, but also its “rustic cheek” atmosphere.

“The barn is perfect for the ceremony, and there’s a trailer court nearby with a lovely picnic area that will really capture the feel of the ambiance I want just right,” Jones wrote. “If it rains it might be a problem, but we’ll cross that boat when we get to it. ;)

Jones called the venue a "diamond in the gruff" and looks forward to applying her cleaning and organizing expertise to its transformation.

McCarthy, whose family has owned the property for nearly three decades and has known the Jones family almost as long, said that she was “so glad to see that child finally land her gentleman.”

“I am so happy for the whole family, all them kids have done good” she continued. “Ain’t often a family that big comes from around here, and none of them end up marrying each other. Those parents raised them kids up right.”

The event’s details are starting to trickle out, and readers of Jones’s blog were recently treated to a lengthy description of her “decoratory plans” for the event, most of which the bride intends to take on herself in DIY fashion.

“We’re excited to tackle this. I’m not afraid get in there and get my nails dirty,” Jones wrote.

The bride-to-be happily showed reporters her ring, along with her engagement manicure.

However, Organic Onion News also spoke to an additional anonymous source at Monkeyhowl who reported that the encounter with Jones wasn’t all smiles.

“It was really strange,” she said. “She showed up wearing workout clothes and these huge pearls, and she had two different shoes on.”

The source went on to say that Jones appears to be exhibiting ”Bridezilla-like” qualities already.

“She had a menu all put together, and said she’d trash us on Twitter if we didn’t get it right. She said the carrots on a hot dog bun and the ricotta cheese oatmeal with chia seeds and tofu were especially important. And absolutely no cake. She’s only serving chocolate calcium supplements for dessert.”

Organic Onion News attempted to contact Jones for comment, but she was on vacation.


Posted: February 6th, 2012 | Author: | Filed under: Bandwagons, Famewhoring | 5 Comments »

WAUSAU, WI – A local blogger inadvertently ignited a firestorm of internet speculation while preparing a sandwich at a colleague’s Superbowl party, Organic Onion News has learned.

Estella Tripp, 26, who authors EstellaSnacks.com, was checking her Twitter account during Sunday’s game when she received a tweet from a reader inquiring as to whether she had enjoyed her “yummy tempeh meatball sub” yet.

Tripp, who had blogged earlier that day about bringing the “special” sandwich to the party, tweeted back: “Bun is in the oven! :D

What happened next has left social media experts astounded.

“A couple of seconds after that tweet, my cousin, who of course is a blog reader, texted me congratulations,” said Tripp. “And my phone didn’t stop buzzing after that. By the time I could check my blog a few minutes later, its server had crashed from the number of pageviews and comments.”

Thousands of tweets, emails, Facebook posts and comments flooded Tripp’s various accounts over the next hour, as fans interpreted her tweet to mean that she was expecting.

This blogger's bun was literally in the oven - but with a misinterpreted tweet, she may end up rolling in dough.

“I mean, whoa…I was just talking about my homemade sprouted flax and oatmeal hoagie roll,” said Tripp.

Further fueling the frenzy, several readers commented on a photo that Tripp had posted on her Facebook just prior to the so-called “announcement.” The photo showed Tripp with a platonic male co-worker, each carrying one end of a giant football-shaped bowl of creamy white clam dip and smiling/laughing at one another.

“OMG, congratulations to the daddy too! You guys look so happy together!” commented one reader.

“Ahhh, this announcement is so cute and clever! You’re an ingenious!” wrote another.

When asked about the photo, Tripp told reporters: “We were laughing because I farted.”

Other readers immediately pointed to previous “clues” about Tripp’s nonexistent pregnancy.

“Totes saw this coming. You ate BBQ chips the other day! So exciting!” one reader tweeted.

“Girl, I wasn’t going to say anything, but I’m glad to hear this because you’ve been looking kind of fat and your blog has been sucking lately…obviously, it’s because you’re knocked up! Congratulations!” another reader wrote in the comments on Tripp’s blog. The comment was quickly deleted.

Although Tripp has insisted to reporters that she is “definitely not pregnant,” she has done little to quash the internet rumors. Since yesterday’s incident, experts estimate that her blog traffic has increased tenfold, and early this morning, a spokesperson for parenting community Babble announced that they had offered Tripp a “very lucrative” freelance contract.

“I should have known,” said Tripp. “It’s totally become, like, a thing in the blog world, when you talk about baking something special, that means you’re pregnant. Duh.”

When asked what she planned to do next, Tripp hesitated.

“I guess I should do a follow-up post. You know…due date, belly shot, picture of fruit that the baby is now the size of, gushy paragraph about how we tried so hard for two whole months to make this happen, preliminary birth plan,” she said.

Social media expert Scott Biale said that he “can’t blame [Tripp] one bit” for capitalizing on her increased online popularity.

“There is serious money to be made by having a baby on the internet,” he said. “If she’s smart, she’ll ride this all the way to the bank.”


Posted: February 2nd, 2012 | Author: | Filed under: Bandwagons, Epic Gestures, Famewhoring, General Inanity, Oversharing | 193 Comments »

CHARLOTTE, NC – Area businesses are reeling in the wake of a local woman’s vow to temporarily forego most of the beauty and hygiene products and services used by American women, Organic Onion News has learned.

Author, serial litterer, expert triathlete and role model Paige Lynn Doyle, who authors popular blog ThirtySixRaces.com and is married to a British herbalist and expecting her first child, recently launched the “Tangled Pits Project.” The TPP is a groundbreaking experiment in which Doyle, along with an unmarried elderly friend, has pledged to spend sixty days doing exactly what millions of women worldwide have been doing for centuries, whether by choice or circumstances: namely, going without makeup, grooming, shaving, personal hygiene products, and fitted clothing.

The TPP’s formal start date was February 1.

“It’s only been three days, and my sales have already taken a hit,” said an area salon owner, on condition of anonymity. “My business depends on being able to sell overpriced brow waxes to bloggers who post pictures of themselves three times a day.”

By her own admission, Doyle, who is married to a British herbalist and expecting her first child, had previously been in the habit of spending thousands of dollars on spa and beauty treatments, products, and other tools of female oppression.

Local boutique owner Sandra Mills was stunned by Doyle’s announcement. “I really don’t know what I’m going to do with all of this inventory,” she said, sweeping her hand to indicate the racks of too-short wide-leg pinstripe slacks, skinny yellow belts, and dowdy cardigans in her store. “No one else in their right mind is going to buy this crap.”

Some experts have questioned the purpose of the TPP, with many expressing skepticism that it has the power to change society’s expectations of women with respect to their bathroom routines.

“She [Doyle] is married to a British herbalist and expecting her first child,” said Jemica Johnston, Adjunct Professor of Women’s Studies at Queen’s College. When asked to elaborate on her comment, Johnston declined to respond.

Others question the project’s motive. Barry Alexander, spokesman for the Charlotte Area Association of Smallish Businesses, accuses Doyle, who is married to a British herbalist and expecting her first child, of undertaking the project for personal financial gain.

“It’s obvious that she’s doing this for the publicity,” said Alexander, pointing out that the a source of Doyle’s income is page views to her blog – which is linked back to from the TPP website. The blog also appears to be the primary outlet for Doyle to document her day-to-day TPP “progress.”

“I just hope that she pumps some of that money back in to local businesses,” he said. “Otherwise, we all lose.”

Regardless, local business leaders are in unanimous agreement on one aspect of the TPP:

“It stinks,” said boutique owner Mills. “No…I mean literally, it stinks. When Ms. Doyle stopped by yesterday to tell me that she wouldn’t be seeing me for a couple of months, she absolutely reeked. It was awful. I hope for her family’s sake that her body adapts to the lack of deodorant.”

“But she’s married to a British herbalist and expecting her first child,” Mills concluded.


Posted: September 26th, 2011 | Author: | Filed under: General Inanity | 5,143 Comments »

NORFOLK, VA – A trio of stuffed bears is in custody after being rescued from a rocky sandbar in the James River near Hampton Roads late Sunday.

According to authorities, the bears fled from an estate in Charlottesville last week and navigated more than 150 miles downriver in a makeshift raft, which appeared to have been constructed from bits of stale bread and almond butter.

“They looked absolutely desperate,” said Gray Thompson, a local resident who was fly fishing on the river at sunset when he spotted the bears and their vessel clinging to a crop of rocks in the middle of the current.

The refugees appear to be in poor health. Where they will go next has yet to be determined.

Thompson quickly fetched his boat and retrieved the soggy trio, taking them to his nearby home, where the bears remained dazed and confused. Although his knowledge of Bearish is limited, he said he thought they were chanting the words “HOME NEAT HOME NEAT HOME NEAT HOME” over and over again.

“They looked about half-starved, too,” Thompson said. “But boy, was it a trick to get ‘em to eat. The missus made up some Kraft dinner and hot dogs. They just looked at it like they ain’t never seen a hot dog before.”

Authorities were notified and the bears were taken into protective custody early Monday morning. Police are currently investigating to determine whether they may have fled from an abusive situation.

“Shell-shocked, that’s how I’d describe them at the moment,” said Norfolk County Sheriff spokeswoman Paige Warner. “And hungry. The eldest one acted totally astounded when I told him he could have a whole glass of milk all to himself.”

Little is known about the private estate from which the trio escaped, although, bizarrely, it is widely known to have pastel-colored walls and designer towel hooks. The heavily-guarded home is protected by a state of the art security system.

A source close to the homeowners spoke with Organic Onion on the condition of anonymity.

“She is absolutely furious that they got out,” said the source. “She said she’s going to demand that a SWAT team be called in to take them back by force. It’s really intense.”

While not quite cult-like, the environment inside the home is “extremely rigid,” she continued, declining to elaborate for fear of “getting sued.”

Authorities gave a stern warning to the crowd of reporters and photographers camped out at the sheriff’s station hoping to capture footage of the refugees. As details of their former life emerge, it is suspected that the bears may have been forced to star in YouTube videos and subject themselves to demeaning photo shoots, which were then posted on their owner’s website for commercial purposes.

“I don’t want to throw words around, but we aren’t ruling out Cubby Porn,” said Warner cautiously.

Warner said that every attempt will be made to ensure that the bears find a safe home where they can live out their remaining days free of abuse and exploitation.

“We still aren’t sure what happened here, but the conditions must have been unlivable for those poor stuffed toys to undertake such a dangerous journey,” she said.


Posted: September 20th, 2011 | Author: | Filed under: Bandwagons, General Inanity | 3,523 Comments »

NEW HAVEN – Rampant negativity discovered among healthy living blogs can now be attributed to a massive spike in electron particles in the universe, a Yale University study has found.

The surge in electrons, negatively-charged subatomic particles, has found to be the cause of hundreds of hurtful, anonymous comments blasting bloggers on everything from their breakfasts to their pregnant belly-cum-crotch shot self-portraits.

“We initially, of course, believed these young ladies were being over-sensitive to critique,” head researcher Nikolai Rasmikov said. “But the data doesn’t lie. Negativity has, in fact, been ubiquitous these past few weeks.”

Negativity in action.

At the phenomenon’s height, negative electron particles were 26,000 times higher than usual.

“I wouldn’t even press ‘publish’ on my breakfast post, and 70 bitches would tell me I wasn’t eating enough,” said Jen Frischer, the blogger behind InCaseofNuts.com. “It was dizzying. Worse than following #fitblog!”

That’s about right, Rasmikov said.

“The immense increase in charges of negativity was actually due to…charges of negativity,” Rasmikov said. “Wacky. It’s like, Who’s on third!”

Using a nuclear reactor, Rasmikov said, physicists have been able to reduce the electron charges by eliminating antimatter in the blogosphere.

In response to the discovery, blogger Carolyn Simmer, of VigorousChangingMoment.com, has launched “Project Proton,” which encourages young women to leave diagrams of the positive subatomic hadron particle in public spaces.

The movement is gaining ground, Simmer said, despite an early misstep when fellow blogger Margott Handerson, of FoodsandRoads.com, erroneously typed on her blog for women to post diagrams of “hardon particles in pubic spaces.”

Rasmikov was confident that negativity should continue to decline.

“With our new reactor in place, the negativity should come up to zero,” Rasmikov said. “All that’s left will be good, old-fashioned conversation.”


Posted: September 15th, 2011 | Author: | Filed under: General Inanity, Skin So Thin | 5,368 Comments »

SALEM, OR – An attorney at a local law firm appears to have stumbled upon an untapped market for legal services.

Jeffrey Trautman, Esq., is taking the blog world by storm, penning impassioned defenses of oatmeal photography and coming to the rescue of distressed damsel bloggers all over the country.

Trautman is being called a "modern day Heracles" for his heroic efforts to rid the internet of meanies and protect the delicate egos of professional bloggers.

Analysts speculate that the market for this type of legal service could be massive.  With nearly 75% of America’s population on Facebook and blogs, vlogs, tweets, tumblrs and youtubes becoming the preferred modes of communication for anyone under the age of fifty-five, the potential for people to criticize one another is growing every day.

“Clearly, there’s a huge need for this sort of thing,” said Shirley Panderwick, a spokesperson for the online therapy group Injured Bloggers Support.  ”The IBS encourages anyone who has ever been linked to, talked about, discussed or disagreed with to take every step possible to ensure that dissenters are silenced immediately.”

According to rumors, Trautman discovered the lucrative niche quite by accident.  Purportedly, a friend of his wife who is a local blogger asked for his help and protection after she noticed that her writing had been criticized on another site.

If the rampant typos and misspellings in his work are any indication, Trautman can barely keep up with demand for his services.  In the above letter alone, Trautman typed the wrong recipient email address, added an extra word to a client’s url, and misspelled the word “millennium.”

Most recently, Trautman rescued an image of a Virginia-based blogger’s half-filled wine glass from the site GetOffMyInternets.net.

“I think I can speak for everyone when I say: whew,” said Panderwick.

However, protection of those camera-phone-quality photos and immunity from criticism comes at a price.  From his deathbed, Free Speech said: “I never thought it would come to this. In the climate created by these whiny threats, our words are only free if we use them to say nice things.  I don’t see any of these bloggers complaining about being talked about or having a photo lifted when the offender is fawning all over them.”

“Oh well,” he continued sadly.  ”We had a good run.”


Posted: September 15th, 2011 | Author: | Filed under: Uncategorized | 6,189 Comments »

If it's written on a post-it note, it must be true!

We’re moving!  It’s going to be EPIC.


Please update your bookmarks and all that shit!


Posted: September 13th, 2011 | Author: | Filed under: Famewhoring, General Inanity, Oversharing | 4,667 Comments »

DUBUQUE, IOWA – Book critics, Internet personalities and school administrators are getting a first look at Bullying: Standards and Practices this week, an organizational handbook published by the International Society of Bullies.

“We’re tired of being misrepresented by impostors and hangers-on,” said ISB president Flint Ironstag. “It’s time we bullies set the record straight as to what actually constitutes bullying, and what does not.”

With its new handbook, the ISB aims to separate the practice of bullying from mere criticism and snark.

The handbook defines bullying as “abusive treatment, the use of force or coercion to affect others, particularly when habitual and involving an imbalance of power.”

“This is one of the most commonly misunderstood areas of bullying,” explained Ironstag. “People have a tendency to label anyone who might be derisive toward another person as a ‘bully,’ but that just isn’t the case. Especially when the person the behavior is directed toward is in a position of prominence or privilege.”

The handbook addresses subject matter related to traditional and classical forms of bullying, including giving the new kid an atomic wedgie or making a nerdy kid lick a dog turd; yet a large portion is also devoted to bullying in the new millennium, more popularly known as cyber-bullying.

“Describing a food blogger’s meatloaf as ‘dog vomit’ on the Internet is not something we want associated with cyber-bullying,” said Bulk Vanderhuge, who chaired the committee that drafted the handbook.

Many of the counter-culture groups and forums that have sprung up on the Internet in recent years have been labeled as cyber-bully, or hate sites.

“People bully me because I’m popular, successful and well-dressed,” said Kasey Midriff, who operates the site KaseyMidriff.com. “Just last week, I read a very menacing blog post on a hate site about how I posted 157 self-portraits on my site last month. Just imagine how detrimental that could be to my self-esteem.”

Vanderhuge disagreed. “Most of these sites are antagonistic and mildly inflammatory at best. But menacing? Definitely not.  Critiquing the writing or photography of an adult blogger who pens posts for profit is not the same as trashing some oblivious teenager’s Livejournal ramblings.”

“As far as the ISB is concerned, these ‘haters’ are just a bunch of harmless cranks, amused by their own commentary, and probably a little bored,” he continued.

Ironstag noted that if the “bullying” standards as dictated by affronted bloggers were to be enforced, the following would also be in violation: Voltaire’s Candide, “South Park,” 80 percent of the programming on Fox News, and the entire British news media.

“Not that anyone would complain too much,” Vanderhuge added, “but that’s a lot of litigation in defense of goopy oatmeal.”